[Review] Wel-Pac Imported Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)

 

Purchased at: Asian Market (Terre Haute, IN)
Cost: $2.99
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daquiri

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think it sounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky has the stringy, stale texture of a dead girl’s hair. It is chewy like a water balloon. It is dry until you grind it between your teeth, at which point it seems to explode with fishy juices. Of course that’s just your saliva mixing with the powerful flavor of dried, prepared squid. Certain pieces pop in your mouth. I don’t know why… I don’t want to know why. The “hot” flavor is a mix of sweet, musk, salt and spice, which creates a really awkward, some say sickening blend of flavors on your palate.

The thing is, strangely enough, I love this stuff. I’ve given samples to lots of friends, and they’ve all decided that it is a truly atrocious product. My friend Sam Bowden almost vomited. My friend pat went home and kicked his dog. My dad hit my mom. My grandpa shot his horse. My preacher turned to drugs and alcohol. My girlfriend cheated on me with a black guy. Actually… Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever shared any of it with my girlfriend.

Anyway, maybe it is an acquired taste or something. Maybe none of my friends or family enjoy trying new things. Maybe I’m just messed up. Whatever the reason, I definitely love this Squid Jerky, and honestly prefer it over many brands and flavors of beef jerky. Squid has this sweet, chewy texture and is packed so full of flavor. It’s also much better for you than beef*. However, it makes your farts smell worse. Much worse.

*I have no idea which is the healthier option. I just like using asterisks.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Yeah! I love it as a delicious, lean, flavorful snack that makes your breath smell so awful that no woman, including your own mother, will want to kiss you ever again. It’s really quite sad, but if your palate is obviously as mutated and irregular as everyone seems to think mine is, you will certainly find indulging yourself in something as delicious as dried, prepared squid jerky to be a worthwhile trade off to intimacy or acceptance from your peers.

Find it in your local Asian market. It also comes in a regular flavor, if spicy foods aren’t really your cup of herbal tea.

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15 Responses to “[Review] Wel-Pac Imported Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)”

  1. Shannon says:

    This review sounds gross, but there is something about it and I can’t say just what it is that I like. Maybe it is because you are bold enough to write such things. A small part of me wants to try this stuff just to experience it.

  2. Xaquiri Daiquiri says:

    Why thank you! My specialty is going way too far and making people severely uncomfortable, which usually keeps me from having any very close friends, a job, a healthy relationship with my father, and an education, but I’m glad to have captured your interest.

    I recommend trying it. Like I said, I love it so who knows? You may love it too.

  3. Corey says:

    I love spicy squid jerky, but I prefer the tentacles on. I miss Japan.

  4. Ben says:

    You know… the image you used was what got me to read this. I was posting my approval of squid jerky to FB, and I decided to read your article.

    I feel dirty now, but it’s okay. *munchmunchmunch*

    Thanks for the lulz.

  5. Zach says:

    This is the best review on anything I have ever read in my entire life. I like this snack, and what you said was so funny and so true!. I was actually trying to find out how bad or good it is for you, but since you say it’s better than beef then that works for me.

  6. […] Read the rest of this review This entry was posted in Food & Drink and tagged food review, gross, prostitutes, snacks, squid jerky, vagina by XAQuiri Daiquiri. Bookmark the permalink. Cancel Reply […]

  7. Drewcious says:

    LOL oddly enough the explantion given on how this stuff tastes this guy explained perfectly! I had an asian roomate in my mid twenties and his mom would send him squid jerky. FIrst time i tried it i felt like i was chewing on week old fish with some hot spices and said hell now and spit it out. Oddly though a day later i found myself craving it so i tried it again and it tasted a bit better than the first time so i ate more and it actually grew on me. I started to love this stuff. The taste grew on me and was delicious. yes it will make your breath reeek and your fingers too so make sure you arent around women if you eat it but i do suggest trying it atleast a few times. first time you probably wont like it but it will grow on you especially if you love seafood.

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