[Review] Wel-Pac Imported Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)


Purchased at: Asian Market (Terre Haute, IN)
Cost: $2.99
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daquiri

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think it sounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky has the stringy, stale texture of a dead girl’s hair. It is chewy like a water balloon. It is dry until you grind it between your teeth, at which point it seems to explode with fishy juices. Of course that’s just your saliva mixing with the powerful flavor of dried, prepared squid. Certain pieces pop in your mouth. I don’t know why… I don’t want to know why. The “hot” flavor is a mix of sweet, musk, salt and spice, which creates a really awkward, some say sickening blend of flavors on your palate.

The thing is, strangely enough, I love this stuff. I’ve given samples to lots of friends, and they’ve all decided that it is a truly atrocious product. My friend Sam Bowden almost vomited. My friend pat went home and kicked his dog. My dad hit my mom. My grandpa shot his horse. My preacher turned to drugs and alcohol. My girlfriend cheated on me with a black guy. Actually… Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever shared any of it with my girlfriend.

Anyway, maybe it is an acquired taste or something. Maybe none of my friends or family enjoy trying new things. Maybe I’m just messed up. Whatever the reason, I definitely love this Squid Jerky, and honestly prefer it over many brands and flavors of beef jerky. Squid has this sweet, chewy texture and is packed so full of flavor. It’s also much better for you than beef*. However, it makes your farts smell worse. Much worse.

*I have no idea which is the healthier option. I just like using asterisks.

Does it Hit the Spot?

Yeah! I love it as a delicious, lean, flavorful snack that makes your breath smell so awful that no woman, including your own mother, will want to kiss you ever again. It’s really quite sad, but if your palate is obviously as mutated and irregular as everyone seems to think mine is, you will certainly find indulging yourself in something as delicious as dried, prepared squid jerky to be a worthwhile trade off to intimacy or acceptance from your peers.

Find it in your local Asian market. It also comes in a regular flavor, if spicy foods aren’t really your cup of herbal tea.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

17 Responses to “[Review] Wel-Pac Imported Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)”

  1. Shannon says:

    This review sounds gross, but there is something about it and I can’t say just what it is that I like. Maybe it is because you are bold enough to write such things. A small part of me wants to try this stuff just to experience it.

  2. Xaquiri Daiquiri says:

    Why thank you! My specialty is going way too far and making people severely uncomfortable, which usually keeps me from having any very close friends, a job, a healthy relationship with my father, and an education, but I’m glad to have captured your interest.

    I recommend trying it. Like I said, I love it so who knows? You may love it too.

  3. Corey says:

    I love spicy squid jerky, but I prefer the tentacles on. I miss Japan.

  4. Ben says:

    You know… the image you used was what got me to read this. I was posting my approval of squid jerky to FB, and I decided to read your article.

    I feel dirty now, but it’s okay. *munchmunchmunch*

    Thanks for the lulz.

  5. Zach says:

    This is the best review on anything I have ever read in my entire life. I like this snack, and what you said was so funny and so true!. I was actually trying to find out how bad or good it is for you, but since you say it’s better than beef then that works for me.

  6. […] Read the rest of this review This entry was posted in Food & Drink and tagged food review, gross, prostitutes, snacks, squid jerky, vagina by XAQuiri Daiquiri. Bookmark the permalink. Cancel Reply […]

  7. Drewcious says:

    LOL oddly enough the explantion given on how this stuff tastes this guy explained perfectly! I had an asian roomate in my mid twenties and his mom would send him squid jerky. FIrst time i tried it i felt like i was chewing on week old fish with some hot spices and said hell now and spit it out. Oddly though a day later i found myself craving it so i tried it again and it tasted a bit better than the first time so i ate more and it actually grew on me. I started to love this stuff. The taste grew on me and was delicious. yes it will make your breath reeek and your fingers too so make sure you arent around women if you eat it but i do suggest trying it atleast a few times. first time you probably wont like it but it will grow on you especially if you love seafood.

  8. Ouida says:

    There is certainly a lot to find out about this issue.
    I like all of the points you’ve made.

  9. It’s remarkable in support of me to have a web page,
    which is valuable in support of my experience.

    thanks admin

  10. Dusty says:

    Experiencia La propuesta de este estudio considera el día de la boda como
    entre los más importantes de la vida de la pareja con lo que…
    (Fotografia y vídeo bodas la capital española)

  11. The best thing with these hack tools is always that once you make use of them to hack a snapchat Points account in order to download photos, the quality of the pictures on the account depends on the quality of the photos the user got or has been sent to an individual.
    There was nobody else in the living room at the time, except for the
    ghost girl in the purple dress,” she said. District Attorney John Peck said that this is the first time he has reviewed a case where the suspect has taken what amounts to be a ‘trophy shot’ with the victim.

  12. It’s going to be finish of mine day, however before finish I am
    reading this great article to improve my know-how.

  13. elittica says:

    Quality posts is the secret to be a focus for the viewers to go to see the site, that’s what this site is providing.

  14. Hello, yeah this post is genuinely pleasant and I have
    learned lot of things from it on the topic of blogging.

  15. hot says:

    Excellent blog here! Additionally your website rather a lot up
    very fast! What web host are you the usage of?
    Can I am getting your affiliate hyperlink for your host?
    I wish my web site loaded up as fast as yours

  16. Johnnie Dudgeon says:

    To work with pre made resources or not? That is a question that every creative people asks themselves from time to time. Even if you’re an experienced artist, sometimes the deadlines are just too brief, or that spark of inspiration did not hit yet. Awkward, there are many of solutions available. In the ocean of pre-made graphic and designs that one may down load and use for his needs, one author is an abbreviation for out. A fast growing Scarab13 Design Resource Web site is a template nirvana, packed with custom, exclusive documents (all designed by Scarab13), where literally anyone can find something they want. By Photoshop tutorials, backgrounds, activities, brushes – to some more advanced posters, fashion magazines, mock-ups and banners – it’s all here and able to download. Because one of the most popular Envato authors, Scarab13 has mastered the fine art of designing creative data files (in all topics/genres), data that are complex in their technical execution, but very simple in their usage, being geared toward users who may or may have not know about Photoshop; thus are user friendly & modify and tweak in minutes, giving you with some very professional and beautiful designs for Print, Web, Mobile phone, TV, and all other outlets. (also related: downloadsoho. com, scaryposter. com, creativeartmarket. com)


  17. BestJamel says:

    I see you don’t monetize your site, don’t waste your traffic, you can earn additional cash every month because you’ve got hi quality content.

    If you want to know how to make extra money, search for: Ercannou’s
    essential tools best adsense alternative

Leave a Reply