[Grocery Review] Banquet Cherry Berry Pie

Purchased at: Murphy’s Food Mart (Kentland, IN)
Cost:
$.66
Reviewed by: Casual Clay Cunningham

Not content to simply spread povertization (real word?) and self-loathing to the frozen dinner market, the good folks at Banquet have expanded their dessert repertoire with a new collection of frozen pies.

They’re not great.

The first problem I had with my Cherry Berry (I also spotted Apple in the frozen section of my local grocery store) was that it was leaky and made a puddly mess in my microwave. Seeing as how the product was made by Banquet, the margin of error was ultra-thin and being forced to take six seconds out of my five hour work day to wipe up a small mess made my mood less than jovial.

Also, I’d be lying if I said the ultra-thin crust made my mouth water. The box would lead you to believe the structure was thick and durable, when in reality it’s so meager it’s virtually transparent. It’s hard not to be apprehensive about eating something that looks like cheap drywall you’d find scattered about the floor of a Habitat for Humanity project house (I once spent three days on a volunteer work crew with my church’s youth group. Am I a hero? Probably, but that’s not what this review is about).

So with all these obstacles in the way, does it taste as awful as you’d expect? No, not really, which is really just to say it didn’t initiate the gag reflex I was expecting as I pensively stared over it several minutes after microwaving.

Don’t get me wrong, these aren’t necessarily good. However, if you make a conscious effort to eat Banquet meals regularly, these, oddly enough, are a decent companion piece. And for $.66, it’s certainly not a bank breaker (with what I’m making for this post, I could almost buy five!)

At the very least, it’s an upgrade from the desserts that come packaged with the dinners. Have you seen the brownies they put in those things? Anytime I’ve ever looked at one, it’s like I could hear Banquet executives saying “I dare you to eat this.” If someone offered me a million dollars to rest that thing on my tongue for five seconds, I wouldn’t even consider it.

But all faint comparative praise aside, I wouldn’t encourage anyone seeking a decent dessert to try these. Aside from the cruddy structure, there’s a weird aftertaste, which isn’t necessarily repulsive but it’s not pleasant either, and I suspect that if I ate these on multiple occasions I would grow to hate them.

Lastly, after I got done I felt really tired and I have no explanation as to why. This type of lethargy is common with full microwave dinners which, when completed, essentially become a detonated nuclear bomb within your bowels. I didn’t get diarrhea this go around, which was somewhat welcome, but also felt like a cheat, seeing as how I got all the exhaustion with none of the funny wet defecation stories. This certainly isn’t the worst gyp of my life, but it was a gyp none-the-less.

Does It Hit The Spot?

No. While it’s not horrendous and it’s hard to be ripped off by something you spent $.66 on, it’s not enough. Pie is a food universally synonymous with deliciousness, and average, even when it’s dirt cheap, doesn’t cut it.

If you are looking for pre-packaged pie, I’d stick with Hostess or Little Debbie. They cost a little more but they taste better, and more importantly, they don’t require 3-4 minutes of microwavization (also perhaps not a real word).

P.S. To Zac Pritcher. I realize this isn’t as jokey as my previous Banquet review, and thus likely won’t be as fun to rip off. Obviously stealing my shit isn’t the only way you can leapfrog me onto The Shitpulsive Buy‘s “The Week in Reviews,” but as proven in the past, it does help.

*P.P.S. Now that we’re officially off topic, yes, there’s no question my actions from June 22-24, 2000 make me a hero, and I’m sure the Wheeler family of Bowling Green, Kentucky would be proud to vouch for me.

Also reviewed by:

Freezer Burns

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

13 Responses to “[Grocery Review] Banquet Cherry Berry Pie”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Everyview, David Roshinski. David Roshinski said: RT @Everyview: Go read our first new food review in nearly two weeks! http://www.doesithitthespot.com/?p=379 Banquet Cherry Berry Pie!!! […]

    • JD RANDAKL says:

      EVERY FOOD YOU BUY YOU MUST ADD SOMETHING TO MAKE IT TASTE RIGHT FOR YOU. BUT YOU ATTACK THIS GREAT PIE THAT IF YOU PUT TAPIOCA ON TOP YOU WILL HAVE A PIE THAT WILL COST A TOTAL OF $1,00 AND TASTE GREAT. WOULD YOU EAT CORN ON THE COB WITH OUT BUTTER, NO, YOU WOULD NOT EAT MASHED PATATO’S WITHOUT SEASONING. ANYTHING, CAN BE TASTY AND ENJOYABLE. I CAN TAKE ALMOST ANYTHING CHEAP AND MAKE IT TASTE LIKE IT CAME FROM A 5 STAR RESTUARANT WITH JUST ADDING SOMETHING TO IT. TRY PLACING TAPIOCA ON THIS BERRY PIE AND YOU WILL LOVE IT. I HAVE MICROWAVED OVER 60 OF THEM AND NOT ONCE DID I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE PIE EXPLODING OR BEING MESSY. OF COURSE I HAVE A NEWER MICROWAVE ONLY 14-17 YEAR OLD MICROWAVES WOULD CAUSE THIS PROBLEM ITS CHEAP AND DOES NOT HAVE THE NEWER TECH TO COOK PROPERLY LIKE FOR INSTANCE A TURN TABLE. STOP BLAMMING BANQUET FOR A GREAT PRODUCT AND REPLACE YOUR CHEAP MICROWAVE OVEN.

  2. harleytexas says:

    This was the worst frozen food…sorry, food of any kind I have ever eaten. It tasted like bad chemicals and I threw it in the trash after a few bites.

  3. Shannon says:

    That review was very funny. I would love to read more of your reviews. I have never noticed any of these pies in the grocery store, but I know to be wary of them thanks to you.

  4. robin says:

    i am surprised to see that when i google these new banquet dessert pies that so many other people are having the same bad experience with the taste of them. i hadn’t known that and had bought a number of them and we could not even finish them (it was the apple and berry ones). my husband says they tasted like soap and ‘dookey’. i even called conagra yesterday because their phone number is on the box and they said they had not had any other complaints. how can we bring this to their corporate attention to have them all recalled, the taste is that bad. and even more disappointing is the fact that they are pretty reputuable and their foods, although not exquisite, are not too bad for what you pay. but this terrible taste in it should not be allowed to be eaten, it’s not just a matter of taste, something is really seriously wrong with them.

  5. […] the full review on our sister site, Does it Hit the Spot? This entry was posted in Food & Drink and tagged Banquet, food reviews, grocery store, Poor […]

  6. Pam says:

    You can earn some additional $$$ from your site, i see several opportunities here.

    You should search in google for:
    Yoogurn’s money making

  7. jet dentaire says:

    Every weekend i used to pay a quick visit this site,
    as i want enjoyment, since this this site conations truly pleasant funny
    information too.

  8. ibcbet คือ
    This iis very attention-grabbing, You are a very professional blogger.
    I’ve joined your rss feed and look forward to looking for extra of your wonderful post.
    Also, I have shared your site in my social networks

  9. Rogelio says:

    Who knows, their child may have the potential to be the next
    great scientist or mathematician. The actual operations who operate this gaming spot is
    aware effectively how to value their clients. The domino
    impact is interpreted in phrases of a bigger expertise of the ‘spectrum
    of creativity’, benefiting a larger local community of video game builders.

  10. This post offers clear idea designed for the new users of blogging,
    that in fact how to do blogging and site-building.

  11. Kurtis says:

    Hurrah! Finally I ցot ɑ web site fom ԝɦere I ҝnoԝ ɦow
    tο truly оbtain vakuable
    іnformation гegarding mү study aand knowledge.

  12. Hello mates, how is the whole thing, and what you
    want to say regarding this article, in my view its truly remarkable in support of me.

Leave a Reply