[Fast Food Review] Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burrito

January 6th, 2011 7 Comments

Purchased at: Taco Bell
Cost: $.99
Reviewed by: Xaquiri Daquiri

It’s about damn time Taco Bel got another decently hearty burrito on their value menu. Ever since the omission of the Five-Layer Burrito from the Why Pay More menu, pickin’s have been slim for fat kids looking to fill their belly without emptying their pockets. And the thing is, I wasn’t a huge fan of the Five-Layer Burrito anyway. I just ate it because it was cheap and filling. In all honesty, I’ve always had a bit of a grudge against it for being the product that knocked the heavenly Double Cheesy Beef Burrito out of the under-a-single-dollar budget range.

The newest addition is one that I was ecstatic to lay my hands on. The Beefy Crunch Burrito looked like a fat kid’s wet dream come alive, and on paper, it totally was. However, I am sad to say that Taco Bell’s newest value burrito king is also its worst.

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[Review] Wel-Pac Imported Prepared Squid Jerky (Hot)

December 10th, 2010 23 Comments

 

Purchased at: Asian Market (Terre Haute, IN)
Cost: $2.99
Reviewed by: XAQuiri Daquiri

Yes. Prepared Squid Jerky. Shredded, dried, put into a package, and sold at the Asian Market.

What’s that? You think that sounds gross? If you think it sounds gross, you should smell it.

Wel-Pac Prepared Squid Jerky smells like spicy, old fish. Or a sweaty, unwashed, well-sexed prostitute snatch. And by snatch I mean vagina. And by vagina I mean ham wallet. And by ham wallet I mean vagina.

What’s that? You think that sounds like it smells gross? Then you should taste it.

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[Fast Food Review] Burger King’s Breakfast Ciabatta Club

November 30th, 2010 14 Comments

 

 

Reviewed by: Zac Pritcher

How long has Burger King had breakfast?

As long as I can consciously remember. I’m sure if I dug deep enough into my suppressed memory I would be able to find a time that the King didn’t offer as much saturated fat as Roseanne Barr’s left thigh in the morning hours, but doing so is dangerous. Who knows what else I might find while digging through the purposefully forgotten banks of my memories? Forgotten stories of Uncle Chuck’s “games”? Concealed memories of my infant brother Todd, whom in a fit of jealous range I suffocated and ate, only to have my parents convince me it was just a dream so I could grow up and continue to function?

Nah, none of that stuff ever happened to me. But I feel bad for the sorry sonofabitch that just remembered losing their virginity to the football team when he was only seven years old.

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[Restaurant Review] Pho So 1 Boston

November 18th, 2010 4 Comments

Location:
51 Memorial Pkwy
Randolph, MA
02368

Style: Vietnamese
Contact: (781) 961-6500
Reviewed by: David Roshinski

I’m back with another review wrapped up to go this time.

I have been working at my new job for a couple weeks now and I wanted something else to eat that was different to take home to enjoy. I have gone and eaten at Pho So 1 Boston in Randolph before, but I wanted it to give it another go. I ordered wrong over the phone but only slightly. I received an extra large pho noodle soup with well done brisket and rare slices of rib eye.

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[Cereal Review] Kellogg’s Cinnabon Crunchy Cinnamon Multi-Grain Cereal

November 14th, 2010 64 Comments

Purchased at: IGA (Remington, IN)
Cost: $2.39
Reviewed by: Casual Clay Cunningham

Cinnamon Rolls and cereal seem to come at polar opposite ends of the breakfast spectrum. When one finds time to eat cinnamon rolls, a good day is more than likely on the horizon, while a bowl of cereal generally indicates you’ll once again be subjected to texting your mom to let her know you got to work safely, even though you’re 26 and only commute 15 minutes.

Well, perhaps in an attempt to create some middle ground, the people at Cinnabon have molded the two sides together with a new, multi-grain cereal creation, and in a way they succeeded. If cinnamon rolls are ecstasy and cereal is agony, than middle ground would have to be apathy, which is exactly what I felt after two bowls of this stuff.

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[Restaurant Review] Stockholders Restaurant

November 5th, 2010 19 Comments

Location: 
1073 Main Street/Route 18
Weymouth, MA
02190

Style: Chophouse
Contact: (781) 335-3100
Reviewed by: David Roshinski

I’m back with another review to dish out.

My mother’s birthday was this week so as tradition in our family we dine out that night. My family is quite a picky bunch of eaters, my sister and dad are happy with simpler food or a steak but no seafood, my grandmother has to have seafood that is soft enough for her to eat, and my mother can be a tad selective as well. This time we decided to try out a new restaurant in Weymouth, Massachusetts.

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[Grocery Review] Banquet Cherry Berry Pie

October 28th, 2010 13 Comments

Purchased at: Murphy’s Food Mart (Kentland, IN)
Cost: $.66
Reviewed by: Casual Clay Cunningham

Not content to simply spread povertization (real word?) and self-loathing to the frozen dinner market, the good folks at Banquet have expanded their dessert repertoire with a new collection of frozen pies.

They’re not great.

The first problem I had with my Cherry Berry (I also spotted Apple in the frozen section of my local grocery store) was that it was leaky and made a puddly mess in my microwave. Seeing as how the product was made by Banquet, the margin of error was ultra-thin and being forced to take six seconds out of my five hour work day to wipe up a small mess made my mood less than jovial.

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[Grocery Review] Oreo Cookie Sticks ‘n Creme Dip

October 15th, 2010 16 Comments

Purchased at: Murphy’s Food Mart (Kentland, IN)
Cost: $2.79
Reviewed by: Casual Clay Cunningham

I’m not a huge Oreo fan (see my review for the dreadful Oreo Brownie). It’s not a bad cookie to eat in a pinch, but I have a preference for other brands, most notably the unfortunately underrated E.L. Fudge.

So when I tried to alleviate an E.L. craving the other day only to find the closest store didn’t even carry them (fucking bogus, Murphy’s), I had to go another route.

Having never seen the Cookie Sticks ‘n Creme Dip before, I decided to sample it and chronicle the decent, yet unremarkable experience below.

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[Fast Food Review] Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa

October 8th, 2010 9 Comments

Purchased at: Taco Bell
Cost: $2.79
Reviewed by: Zac Pritcher

Taco Bell has done it many times before. If the powers that be can’t think of an entirely new product that uses the same handful of readily available ingredients and give a ridiculous made up name, like Tortada, then they’ll settle for the next best thing: take an old favorite, and make it bigger.

But how do they do it? How do they take something small, and make it big? Well, for any fan of great American Cinema, the answer is quite simple. In the critically acclaimed 1997 classic film Good Burger, the demented manager of Mondo Burger uses an illegal chemical known as Triampathol to super size his meat patties. Now, the director chose never to reveal exactly why Triampathol was made illegal, and I’m not even sure I want to know.

The point is, Taco Bell is obviously doing something to our food to make it bigger. All we need now is a few local psued0-Mex restaurant employees dedicated enough to breach the chain’s security and discover their secret and embark on a ridiculously epic quest to put their hole-in-the-wall back on top.

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[Grocery Review] Smart Ones Mini-Cheeseburgers

September 29th, 2010 19 Comments

Purchased at: Murphy’s Food Mart, Kentland, IN
Cost: $3.79
Size: Two burgers per box
Reviewed by: Casual Clay Cunningham

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, a low fat cheeseburger you cook in the microwave? Even though I will no doubt break both my legs on the never ending puddle of saliva which will flow from my mouth at the mere thought of these, I will crawl on my belly through any terrain long before I even contemplate the idea of seeking medical attention!”

And I must admit this uber-sarcastic school of thought had me cursing myself the second I stepped out of the grocery store with a box of these in hand. But while I was initially excited about writing another one of my angry, cynical rants about bad food, to my surprise, this new entry from Smart Ones really isn’t deserving of my scorn.

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